Heavyweights (1995)

 

This movie sucks. So the other night I was up late, made a midnight snack, and decided to watch something. And to pass the time I threw this on. I had only heard of it but not watched it. And my god. I wish I could go back to just hearing about it. How bad is it? Well, Ben Stiller used it as a blueprint to avoid being typecast. But is that all there is? I wish there was but lets get into it.

The movie revolves around young Gerry Garner (Aaron Schwartz) whose dad Maury (Jeffrey Tambor) sends him to fat camp. The camp itself, Camp Hope run by Mr. and Mrs. Bushkin (Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara) tell the camp they're selling it to a fitness guru Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller). Perkis is a wackjob. A nutbar. A wack-a-doo. Gerry meets some new friends Roy (Kenan Thompson) and Josh (Shaun Weiss) as his cabin mates. Gerry also grows close to camp counselor Pat (Tom McGowan) whose worked at the camp for nearly twenty years, Tim (Paul Feig) a former camper now counselor who lost tons of weight but is drawn by temptation, and Julie (Leah Lail) the camp nurse and eventual love interest to Pat. There's also Perkis camp counselor Lars (Tom Hodges, fellow Chicago native) whose whole job is just being dumb and strong. Perkis is a monster. He deprives the kids of food, over exerts them with extreme exercises. As mentioned before, Perkis is also off his fucking rocker. He takes the kids on a hike and threatens to kill the kids because he thinks they're conspiring against them. Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, after Perkis is fired and Pat is named new owner of Camp Hope by Tony Perkis Sr. (Ben Stiller in a dual role) they compete in a triathlon with Camp MVP, a sports camp across the lake and win.

Okay now that the plot summary is out of the way lets get into the nitty gritty. This movie sucks. But why? And how? The movie was directed by Adam Sandler alum Steven Brill. It was written by Brill and comedic director Judd Apatow. For the cast you got Ben Stiller, Tom McGowan, Jeffrey Tambor, a young Kenan Thompson, the head counselor of Camp MVP is played by UHF co-star David Bowe, this movie is the introduction of Tim Blake Nelson, Paul Feig before he decided to make terrible movies, Jerry Stiller alone! Father of George Costanza! This movie had such power behind it. So why did it suck? Well, despite having such comedy talent in front of and behind the camera, the movie just falls flat. The idea of a fat camp and a crazy camp counselor can only go so far. I did hear that Ben Stiller used this movie as a blue print to not get type cast, but in my opinion, feels like he played this character in a lot of his other films until he started doing dramatic work. So he ended up getting typecast anyway.

All in all a decent movie but not good. I give it two skulls out of five, wouldn't recommend it. Steve says: Fat camp? I'm not going to fat camp!

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The Munsters (2022)

 

In defense of The Munsters (2022), a film written and directed by Rob Zombie. I want to start off by saying I don't like Rob Zombie's movies. They just aren't my thing. But Rob Zombie is a visionary, I'll give him that. He is a gore hound whose directed and written some brutal movies. This movie? Is not any of his filmography. Its a light hearted romp that pays tribute to a campy 60s sitcom. But when this movie was so much as announced everyone and their mother was prepared to trash it. It's Rob Zombie, it has the stunt casting of his wife Sheri Moon Zombie. It seemed like it was gonna suck. But it really doesn't. It's honestly a great film and the only Rob Zombie film my parents will watch. And I guarantee that everyone that trashed it never even watched the original series.

To go into detail, similar to Young Frankenstein (1974), mad scientist Dr. Wolfgang (Richard Brake) and his assistant Floop (Jorge Garcia) steal the body parts of the smartest and most talented people in the world to make an intelligent and talented monster. Floop goes to the Transylvania Morgue to get the head of scientist Skelly Von Rathbone (Laurent Winkler) but instead grabs the head of his brother Shecky Von Rathbone (Jeff Daniel Phillips) a terrible stand up comedian. At the same time, The Count (Daniel Roebuck) is trying to set his daughter Lily up with every available vampire in the country to so he can marry her off. After a failed date with Count Orlok, Lily and The Count watch some tv with dinner where they see Dr. Wolfgang's new monster doing a bad stand up routine, she falls instantly in love. Floop takes Herman and turns him into a rockstar, and after a show Lily visits him back stage where its love at first sight. They go on a date, and Herman proposes. While all this is going on, Lester Dracula (Tomas Boykin), Lily's deadbeat scheming brother, is in debt to Gypsy Madame Zoya and her son Bela (Catherine Schell and Levente Törköly) who is also the ex wife of The Count. She demands Lester get the deed to Count's castle somehow. And its on their wedding day that Lester tricks Herman into signing over the castle. While on honeymoon in Paris Lily and Herman find a dragon thing in the sewers and decide to take him home, naming him Spot. Herman decides to go to Hollywood California to make his fortune. And that's where the final pieces fall into place. While house hunting in Mockingbird Heights they find their dream home, 1313 Mockingbird Lane, and during a Halloween party Herman gets a job at a funeral parlor pushing bodies. The film even ends on a brief recreation of the Munsters opening theme. 

The film is an origin story. Focusing on the younger years of Herman Munster when he was created and how he met, fell in love and eventually married Lily. And it primarily takes place in the homeland of Transylvania. And the film takes advantage of the setting by making it a Universal Monsters paradise. It looks exactly what you think "The Old Country" Grandpa always talked about would look like. The plot of Herman becoming a huge rockstar then eventually meeting Lily is almost like something Herman himself would tell Eddie if he was to tell him how he and Lily met. Lily Munster is of course played by Sheri Moon Zombie, and she does a really good job at channeling Yvonne De Carlo while making the role her own as well. And that goes doubly for Jeff Daniel Phillips (fellow Chicago native) as Herman. He doesn't sound like Fred Gwynne, but he's supposed to be a younger Herman. He hasn't matured into the Herman we eventually know. And if you get past the younger sounding voice, his performance and facial expressions really show off how great he is as Herman. Its like he did extensive research into perfecting the laugh which he nails. And to round it off, one of the best pieces of casting is Daniel Roebuck as Grandpa Munster. His voice, his look, the way he plays Grandpa. It's like we're still watching Al Lewis. They even bring in Lily's deadbeat werewolf brother Lester.

The movie may be thin in plot, but it more than makes up for it in character and humor. You aren't here for a grand epic story. You're here for The Munsters. And you get exactly that. Everyone was just ready to trash this movie that they really didn't give it a fair chance. The movie is in color, but here's a neat little tidbit I learned. Zombie wanted to make it in black and white but Universal denied him the opportunity. So he filmed the movie in bright popping colors. Turn the color off on your TV or use a web extension on YouTube and the movie looks how it should. I even did it to the poster for this review. I personally love this movie. I could watch it multiple times, which I have since it came out, and its sad that the movie isn't available anywhere anymore aside from being able to buy it on YouTube. You look it up and see it available on Peacock or Tubi, and they just link you to the TV show. I'm glad that The Munsters has a modern iteration that stays true to its campy light hearted nature and didn't go the Addams Family route of eventually being overly dark and serious. Will we ever get fun light hearted Addams Family again? I really wish this movie got a sequel where Lily became pregnant with Eddie and they have to take in their abnormal niece Marilyn. But doubt it'll happen because people hate fun and only want dark and serious.

All in all, this is a fun movie that just tries to entertain you. I give this movie three skulls out of five. Steve says: Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

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Reefer Madness (1936)

 

Today is 4/20. National Weed Day for those who are hip and cool like me. So today I wanted to talk about a movie that is as equally ridiculous and beloved by bad movie fans as Plan 9. Plan 9: Weed Edition if you will. 1936 Reefer Madness. This movie is absurd for every reason imaginable. Everywhere from the random assembly scenes of a presenter talking to an audience that feels like they're from a different movie (more on that later) to the acting, to the acting, to the acting, have I mentioned the acting in this movie is out of this world? 

Reefer Madness is not your typical movie, it starts off with an assembly of parents being preached to by a guy who definitely knows what an 8-ball is. He goes on to tell a story about a couple who sells pot named Mae Coleman and Jack Perry (Thelma White and Carlton Young). Jack, against the wishes of Mae and with the help of Ralph Wiley (Dave O'Brien) and Blanche (Lillian Miles), throw a party where high schooler Bill Harper (Kenneth Craig), and college student Jimmy Lane (Warren McCollum). At said party Jack runs out of weed and Jimmy and Bill offer to pick up more. When they pick up the drugs, Jack gets Jimmy high without consent and Jimmy commits a hit and run. Jack threatens Jimmy to keep his mouth shut and forget he was at the party after they learn the man they hit died of his injuries. Things get even wilder as Bill has an affaire with Blanche, and Jimmy's sister Mary (Dorothy Short) goes to Mae's apartment to look for Bill and gets accidentally shot by Jack who tries to frame Bill for the murder. Things spiral more as Bill and Ralph get even higher and nearly go to prison for the murder. The movie ends with the presenter from the beginning telling the audience to "Tell Your Children."

Reefer Madness was released in 1936 as mentioned under the title "Tell Your Children" and was originally directed by Louis J. Gasnier. The film was funded by a church group and was made with the intention to warn parents of the time of the misinformed dangers of weed. But in 1938 exploitation director Dwain Esper purchased the film and recut it to sell it as an exploitation movie under its better known title "Reefer Madness". The film went under the radar until the 1970s where it started gaining an audience who enjoyed laughable movies. And has since grown an even larger audience. In that time the movie has been adapted to the stage as a musical and the movie was remade and combined with elements of the musical called Reefer Madness the Musical Movie (2005). You can easily find this movie on YouTube in several different iterations in both black and white and color as well as being able to watch the movie in full on its own Wikipedia page.

All in all I give this movie 1 skull out of 5. It's a hokey hilarious movie, but please, don't watch it sober. Smoke a joint and enjoy the ride. Steve says; Soda? I never drink the stuff!

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The Love Bug (1997)

 

Herbie! You guys remember Herbie right? The Disney film series? About the sentient VW Bug that loves to race? The film series Disney really tried to make a thing and people only remember like… two movies. Well here’s one of the sequels! Okay to not be entirely cynical, The Love Bug (1968) was one of the several movies Disney made with actor Dean Jones, along with fellow bonkers plot movie That Darn Cat (1965) both, funny enough, directed by Robert Stevenson. It was a huge critical and box office success, raking in a whopping $51 million against a $5 million budget and becoming one of the highest grossing films of 1969. It garnered a few sequels; Herbie Rides Again (1974), Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977), Herbie Goes Bananas (1980), and Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005). The movie we’re going to be talking about is a made for TV sequel that aired in 1997 starring the groovy chin himself Bruce Campbell with a cameo by original star Dean Jones. Funny enough in 1997 That Darn Cat got a remake… that also had a cameo by Dean Jones… Coincidence? I think so!

Bruce Campbell plays Hank Cooper, a down on his luck racecar driver turned down on his luck mechanic who wants his chance to be at the top. Hank is accompanied by his artist friend Roddy played by Kevin J. O'Connor who is two joints short of being fully baked and Hank's ex-girlfriend Alex Davis played by Alexandra Wentworth, a sports writer who serves as Hank’s love interest. Hank picks up and races Herbie in a fix-it race for amateur racecar driver, where he wins because Herbie is a god in car form. The villain of the movie is Simon Moore III played by John Hannah, best known as Jonathan from The Mummy (1999) who plays a delightfully hammy villain that matches the same machismo energy that Campbell brings. This is also the first movie, to my knowledge I‘ve never seen the Herbie sequels, to explore the origins of Herbie. He was invented by German scientist Dr. Gustav Stumpfel played by Harold Gould. Turns out Herbie was made by order of the American Government and gained sentience by the power of true love. Simon Moore forces Dr. Stumpfel to make a twin car, an evil version of Herbie named Horace. Moore also orders his lackey to destroy Herbie that leads Hank and company to hold a funeral for him. A Herbie film with a funeral scene sounds ridiculous but it’s delivered so earnestly. In a moment that rivals Nick Fury in the early MCU days, Dean Jones reprises his role as Jim Douglas from the first movie, and along with Dr. Stumpfel, they rebuild Herbie and challenge Simon Moore to a race. Hank, of course, wins, and Horace is destroyed in the process. Ending with Hand getting back together with Alex and riding off into the sunset.

The Love Bug (1997) isn’t an entirely noteworthy film. It aired on TV as part of The Wonderful World of Disney anthology series, which by the late 90s was producing tons of made for tv live action films, and has only ever received a VHS release. The version I found on YouTube was a VHS rip and included the pre-movie trailers. Remember 102 Dalmatians(2000)? Or Disney’s take on The Miracle Worker(2000)? It’s enjoyable enough, but the movie holds Bruce Campbell back from going full Bruce Campbell but when he throws a quip or a one-liner it does get a chuckle, and John Hannah chews every scene he’s in. I found it very interesting that the creation of Horace mirrored Christine(1983). I want to make a special note of Mickey Dolenz who plays Donny Shotz, a big Texan car parts guy. He’s funny in his scenes but he’s sorely not in a lot of them. The few shots of CG used in the movie has aged like milk. It was the late ‘90s and CG was nothing like it was in the early to mid 2000s but it’s used sparingly and it's not on screen for very long. 

All in all this movie wasn’t great, but it wasn’t awful. It’s inoffensive. I first learned of this movie through a Bruce Campbell meme page on Facebook who made a post about it. I saw the post once but it lingered with me for the longest time and I had to review it. If you ever feel the need to see this movie, its easily available on YouTube via VHS rips. I give this movie two skulls out of five. Steve says; GRENADE!?

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Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)

 

Plan 9 from Outer Space. Plan 9... from Outer Space... What can I say about this movie? Well, more likely, what can I say that hasn't already been said? Released in 1957, Plan 9 is a fantastically bad movie that single handedly kickstarted the scale of how bad a movie can be. From the writing to the directing to the special effects. This movie is considered the worst movie ever made. But is it really? I mean, on a technical level yes it is. It is incredibly bad. But is it as bad as people say? Let's look into it.

The plot is paper thin. As all schlocky sci-fi is. Introduced by The Amazing Criswell who spouts nonsense about future events happening in the future. The movie is about aliens Eros and Tanna (Dudley Manlove and Joanna Lee) who want to take over the earth so they use a mysterious "Plan 9" that involves using electro waves to revive and control the dead. These aliens constantly coming to Earth catches the attention of the government and airline pilot Jeff Trent (Gregory Walcott). At the same time, the dead rising from the grave catches the attention of the police, and especially Inspector Clay (Tor Johnson) who joins the dead. The dead include that of Vampire Girl (Vampira), The Ghoul Man (Bela Lugosi) and Inspector Clay himself. When the aliens land in the graveyard for the 50th time, Jeff and military company go to stop the aliens. The movie ultimately ends with the dead dying again, and the aliens exploding. It is a very simple plot, but at the same time, it's also incredibly complex.

Directed and written by the maestro of schlock Edward D. Wood Jr. The movie was made on a very small shoestring budget of $60,000. And he secured that by tricking a Church into financing it. The writing is the hokiest, out of this world nonsense you could imagine. A police officer who constantly points his gun at everything like he's Chief Wiggum. The random inserts of Bela Lugosi, which was just stock footage from an unfinished movie called The Ghoul Goes West. Lugosi had passed away during the production of the movie and to make up for one of the main actors not being there anymore Wood hired his chiropractor to stand in for the late Lugosi. Ending in the obvious shots of a very much not Bela Lugosi (Tom Mason) with a cape over his face. The random appearance of TV horror host Vampira. And the legendary facial expressions of Tor Johnson. Combine all that with sets constructed out of cheap materials on obvious soundstages. The space ship being a literal car's hubcap on a fishing wire. Cheap sets, cheap special effects. Writing that makes the writing in Debbie Does Dallas seem Oscar worthy. But there's something that rises about it all. Ed Wood was passionate. He didn't care if he didn't have a budget, he'd make a movie anyway. He loved movies and loved making them. It didn't matter what stood in his way or what limitations he had. That is passion you rarely see in filmmakers. He truly loved movies. His other accomplishments include that of Bride of the Monster (1955), Glen or Glenda (1953), Night of the Ghouls (1958), and a number of adult films just to make ends meet. Ed Wood didn't make it rich, but I feel he would smile if he knew people still enjoy his movies to this day.

The movie has since gone down as the worst movie ever made. But its not without its remakes. Yes, Plan 9 got a remake. And it sucks. Plan 9 (2015) made an attempt to make Plan 9 from Outer Space but better. Its tagline is even "The movie Ed Wood wishes he could've made." It's one of those "bad on purpose" movies. And that's why its bad. It tries so hard to keep the spirit of Plan 9's awfulness while winking and nudging and going "Eh? See? We're bad but we have a bigger budget." And that's where it fails. It's like remaking The Room (2003) into a serious drama. The movie falls flat if you take out what made it so bad. It's good in the first place. The Room isn't The Room without Tommy Wiseau's alien acting and gigantic ego. And Plan 9 isn't Plan 9 without the direction of Ed Wood. If you want more information on this movie and on Ed Wood's life look up the documentary Flying Saucers Over Hollywood: The 'Plan 9' Companion (1992).

All in all, I love this movie. It is unbearably bad, but it's earnest in every aspect of its production. You can see all the effort on screen. For good and for bad. I give this movie 1 skull out of 5. Steve says Future events like these will happen in the future.

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The Blair Witch Project (1999)

 

While this isn’t the original found footage movie, or the first found footage movie, that honor goes to… it’s hard to pin down. Wikipedia lists the first found footage movie as The Connection (1961), some credit The Last Broadcast (1998). This documentary on Shudder credits UFO Abduction aka The McPherson Tape (1989). Some film nerds credit Cannibal Holocaust (1980). Well, it may not be the first, but it put the genre on the map. I actually watched this movie for the first time just this month. It was… an experience. I watched it with a friend so this movie was… an experience.

The plot, can I even summarize the plot? Documentary filmmakers Heather Donahue (Heather Donahue, she has since changed her name to Rei Hance), Joshua Leonard (Joshua Leonard), and Mike Williams (Michael C. Williams). If you haven’t guessed, the actors used their real names. It’s basically 81 minutes of these three screaming at each other. The ground gets more screen time than the Blair Witch. It’s walking, screaming, pissing, and gratuitous corner standing. That’s it. That’s the movie. The movie includes interviews with residents of Burkittsville, Maryland. A real town so it makes it feel like a real documentary. It’s rough to say the movie isn’t that impressive, and those residents were real residents of the area. Know what was? The marketing. 

A website was set up in 1998 featuring the “found” material of the filmmakers. Audio logs, police reports, it was the first viral internet phenomena. Posters for the movie were even missing persons posters. The only other film to take a stab at the type of marketing this movie did was 1980’s Cannibal Holocaust. Deodato went to court over that film's marketing because the Italian government believed he actually murdered those actors. A faux folk legend was crafted, featuring three tv mockumentaries set within the film's universe to further its reality; Curse of the Blair Witch (1999) focuses on the missing filmmakers, Sticks and Stones: An Exploration of the Blair Witch Legend (1999) focuses on the Blair Witch legend, and The Massacre of the Burkittsville 7: The Blair Witch Legacy (2000) focuses on the legend of Rustin Parr and his murder of seven kids for the Blair Witch. The most fascinating part of the movie is the marketing surrounding it because the marketing made it feel like real kids went missing and there was a real legend out in Burkittsville. All three mockumentaries were produced by and aired on the Sci-Fi channel, and that added to the authentic feeling of the material. 

The film, as said, put the found footage genre on the map. And rightfully so, it felt like the most realistic one out of all of them. Even 25 years later it still feels like real footage of missing college filmmakers. The film's legacy is as said. The film had a sequel, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), itself having a tie in mockumentary on the Sci-Fi channel; Shadow of the Blair Witch (2000). There’s been tons of tie-in books, games with one as late as 2019, and even a direct sequel… just called Blair Witch (2016) which focuses on Heather’s brother James trying to find his sister.

I give this movie three skulls out of four. Steve says check it out, but don’t watch 30 minutes after eating.

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House II: The Second Story (1987)

 

I have never seen the original House (1985, not the 1977 J-Horror movie of the same name.) I hear it’s a good movie. A great supernatural horror film from what I’ve been told, but never saw it. The only House movie I’ve seen out of the five (will discuss after the synopsis) film series, was the second entry; House II: The Second Story. Let’s discuss it.

The plot goes as follows. On a dark and stormy night, a mother and father are escaping their mansion-like home because a zombie like gunslinger wants them fucking dead. Many years later the baby, Jesse (Arye Gross) moves into his old family home with his girlfriend, Kate (Lar Park-Lincoln, yeah, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood Lar Park-Lincoln.). Things get shaken up when Jesse’s friend Charlie (Jonathan Stark) and his piece of ass Lana (Amy Yasbeck) show up uninvited to throw Jesse a house warming party. Charlie is also trying to get Lana a record deal with Kate's boss John (Bill Maher). Jesse finds a picture of his great-great-grandpa holding a crystal skull. Charlie convinces Jesse to dig up his grandpa one night and the two go and dig up good ol’ Gramps. Only to find out he’s alive… kind of. He’s a zombie! Kind of.

Quick note, Gramps is played by the great Royal Dano, many today remember him more as the old man from the opening of 1988’s Killer Klowns from Outer Space. From the 1950s-1960s he starred in numerous westerns. His IMDb is a laundry list of roles. He was the textbook definition of a character actor. And his role of Gramps is a great representation of that. There’s a scene where Jesse and Charlie ask Gramps what it was like in the old west, and Gramps, tearfully, tells them story after story of his time as an outlaw and his time with Slim. Slim was the zombie gunslinger from the opening. Royal Dano’s performance hits and is easily the best part of the movie, and a very important part. Gramps is Jesse’s only family and their bond throughout the movie is sweet.

There’s also a part in the movie that… just feels weird. John Ratzenberger plays an electrician who takes Jesse and Charlie through this weird alternate reality in the house. Yeah the house has rooms that warp time and reality. Crystal skull magic? They end up saving a virgin sacrifice, only credited as Virgin (Devin DeVasquez) who just… is there now. She’s just there. Charlie also throws a Halloween costume party in Jesse’s house where Kate and Lana get rizzed away by late 80s Bill Maher. The film ultimately ends with Slim being destroyed and the house along with him. Jesse, Charlie, and the Virgin live their lives in the old west where Gramps is laid to his final rest.  

This is a great movie, and it’s by far the best House sequel. The original was a serious horror film, the sequel is more of a black comedy. It’s not horror at all. It takes the Halloween III approach, where instead of trying to redo the first movie again, it goes for trying something different. Something new. And I believe it does it well. How can you hate a movie that has Kane Hodder dressed as a gorilla and falling from a second floor onto a couch? As mentioned the relationship between Jesse and Gramps is sweet, made even greater by the performances of Arye Gross and Royal Dano. It's a shame this movie is hated as much as it is. For the longest time it sat at a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Which is unfair to a movie that knew it couldn't recreate the original so tried something different.

This movie, as well as all the others were produced by Friday the 13th creator Sean S. Cunningham, and it was for this review that I discovered a new House movie is in the works with Cunningham returning to produce. Unsure if it's a brand new story or a generic remake. We will have to wait and see.

I give this movie three skulls out of four. Steve says check it out. It’s a great flick, made better by Royal Dano.

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