The Blair Witch Project (1999)

 

While this isn’t the original found footage movie, or the first found footage movie, that honor goes to… it’s hard to pin down. Wikipedia lists the first found footage movie as The Connection (1961), some credit The Last Broadcast (1998). This documentary on Shudder credits UFO Abduction aka The McPherson Tape (1989). Some film nerds credit Cannibal Holocaust (1980). Well, it may not be the first, but it put the genre on the map. I actually watched this movie for the first time just this month. It was… an experience. I watched it with a friend so this movie was… an experience.

The plot, can I even summarize the plot? Documentary filmmakers Heather Donahue (Heather Donahue, she has since changed her name to Rei Hance), Joshua Leonard (Joshua Leonard), and Mike Williams (Michael C. Williams). If you haven’t guessed, the actors used their real names. It’s basically 81 minutes of these three screaming at each other. The ground gets more screen time than the Blair Witch. It’s walking, screaming, pissing, and gratuitous corner standing. That’s it. That’s the movie. The movie includes interviews with residents of Burkittsville, Maryland. A real town so it makes it feel like a real documentary. It’s rough to say the movie isn’t that impressive, and those residents were real residents of the area. Know what was? The marketing. 

A website was set up in 1998 featuring the “found” material of the filmmakers. Audio logs, police reports, it was the first viral internet phenomena. Posters for the movie were even missing persons posters. The only other film to take a stab at the type of marketing this movie did was 1980’s Cannibal Holocaust. Deodato went to court over that film's marketing because the Italian government believed he actually murdered those actors. A faux folk legend was crafted, featuring three tv mockumentaries set within the film's universe to further its reality; Curse of the Blair Witch (1999) focuses on the missing filmmakers, Sticks and Stones: An Exploration of the Blair Witch Legend (1999) focuses on the Blair Witch legend, and The Massacre of the Burkittsville 7: The Blair Witch Legacy (2000) focuses on the legend of Rustin Parr and his murder of seven kids for the Blair Witch. The most fascinating part of the movie is the marketing surrounding it because the marketing made it feel like real kids went missing and there was a real legend out in Burkittsville. All three mockumentaries were produced by and aired on the Sci-Fi channel, and that added to the authentic feeling of the material. 

The film, as said, put the found footage genre on the map. And rightfully so, it felt like the most realistic one out of all of them. Even 25 years later it still feels like real footage of missing college filmmakers. The film's legacy is as said. The film had a sequel, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), itself having a tie in mockumentary on the Sci-Fi channel; Shadow of the Blair Witch (2000). There’s been tons of tie-in books, games with one as late as 2019, and even a direct sequel… just called Blair Witch (2016) which focuses on Heather’s brother James trying to find his sister.

I give this movie three skulls out of four. Steve says check it out, but don’t watch 30 minutes after eating.

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House II: The Second Story (1987)

 

I have never seen the original House (1985, not the 1977 J-Horror movie of the same name.) I hear it’s a good movie. A great supernatural horror film from what I’ve been told, but never saw it. The only House movie I’ve seen out of the five (will discuss after the synopsis) film series, was the second entry; House II: The Second Story. Let’s discuss it.

The plot goes as follows. On a dark and stormy night, a mother and father are escaping their mansion-like home because a zombie like gunslinger wants them fucking dead. Many years later the baby, Jesse (Arye Gross) moves into his old family home with his girlfriend, Kate (Lar Park-Lincoln, yeah, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood Lar Park-Lincoln.). Things get shaken up when Jesse’s friend Charlie (Jonathan Stark) and his piece of ass Lana (Amy Yasbeck) show up uninvited to throw Jesse a house warming party. Charlie is also trying to get Lana a record deal with Kate's boss John (Bill Maher). Jesse finds a picture of his great-great-grandpa holding a crystal skull. Charlie convinces Jesse to dig up his grandpa one night and the two go and dig up good ol’ Gramps. Only to find out he’s alive… kind of. He’s a zombie! Kind of.

Quick note, Gramps is played by the great Royal Dano, many today remember him more as the old man from the opening of 1988’s Killer Klowns from Outer Space. From the 1950s-1960s he starred in numerous westerns. His IMDb is a laundry list of roles. He was the textbook definition of a character actor. And his role of Gramps is a great representation of that. There’s a scene where Jesse and Charlie ask Gramps what it was like in the old west, and Gramps, tearfully, tells them story after story of his time as an outlaw and his time with Slim. Slim was the zombie gunslinger from the opening. Royal Dano’s performance hits and is easily the best part of the movie, and a very important part. Gramps is Jesse’s only family and their bond throughout the movie is sweet.

There’s also a part in the movie that… just feels weird. John Ratzenberger plays an electrician who takes Jesse and Charlie through this weird alternate reality in the house. Yeah the house has rooms that warp time and reality. Crystal skull magic? They end up saving a virgin sacrifice, only credited as Virgin (Devin DeVasquez) who just… is there now. She’s just there. Charlie also throws a Halloween costume party in Jesse’s house where Kate and Lana get rizzed away by late 80s Bill Maher. The film ultimately ends with Slim being destroyed and the house along with him. Jesse, Charlie, and the Virgin live their lives in the old west where Gramps is laid to his final rest.  

This is a great movie, and it’s by far the best House sequel. The original was a serious horror film, the sequel is more of a black comedy. It’s not horror at all. It takes the Halloween III approach, where instead of trying to redo the first movie again, it goes for trying something different. Something new. And I believe it does it well. How can you hate a movie that has Kane Hodder dressed as a gorilla and falling from a second floor onto a couch? As mentioned the relationship between Jesse and Gramps is sweet, made even greater by the performances of Arye Gross and Royal Dano. It's a shame this movie is hated as much as it is. For the longest time it sat at a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Which is unfair to a movie that knew it couldn't recreate the original so tried something different.

This movie, as well as all the others were produced by Friday the 13th creator Sean S. Cunningham, and it was for this review that I discovered a new House movie is in the works with Cunningham returning to produce. Unsure if it's a brand new story or a generic remake. We will have to wait and see.

I give this movie three skulls out of four. Steve says check it out. It’s a great flick, made better by Royal Dano.

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Coraline (2009)

 

I never saw this movie in theaters ‘till it had a 15th Anniversary release earlier this year. But this is a really, really good movie. I will get more into why after the plot.

The plot follows Coraline Jones (voiced by Dakota Fanning of Cat in the Hat fame… remember that movie?) as she and her parents Charlie (John Hodgmen) and Mel (Teri Hatcher) move into The Pink Palace. A… boarding house? Apartment complex? Duplex? Fuck dungeon? Big house with other residents. Old lesbians who live in the basement (Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French), and a Russian man who definitely survived Chernobyl (Ian McShane). Her only friend is a kid named Wybie (Robert Bailey Jr.). Her life sucks because her parents are focused on writing gardening articles for magazines… despite them not liking to garden? She runs into Wybie in the forest surrounding the Pink Palace in a shot seen in all of the trailers where he scares the shit out of her with his bike. Wybie gives her a doll that looks like her mysteriously. Coraline is seduced into this other world that looks just like her own, and the leader is The Other Mommy, I mean Other Mommy, I mean Other Mommy, I mean Other Mommy, I mean Other Mommy, I mean- yeah she runs into the internet's favorite milf, The Other Mother AKA The Beldam. A witch that eats children. She murdered three other kids prior to the events of the movie. A family picture! Coraline is aided in defeating the Beldam with the help of a cat named… Cat (Keith David) whose sexy voice isn’t used enough in this film. Coraline does three challenges and manages to defeat the Other Mother. 

My snarky synopsis aside, and yes it was a tad longer than Teen Wolf’s because there's quite a bit to unpack in this movie. This movie doesn’t fuck around. It doesn’t dumb anything down or treat its intended audience like idiots. This is a kids movie, but it treats the audience like mature adults. Showing themes of horror and suspense under the guise of a stop-motion kids movie.

And speaking of stop-motion! This movie is gorgeous! I looooove the animation in this film. It's so stunning and so beautiful. I forget it’s stop-motion sometimes because it’s so fluid. The sequence in the spider-web room is outstanding. How they accomplished it in mother fucking 2009 and it still looks good to this day is inspiring. This was Laika’s first movie and it’s important to note it was an adaptation of a book by Neil Gaiman, who also co-wrote the screenplay, and Henry Selick, director of Nightmare Before Christmas. These are key people because it was Gaiman’s book Selick’s brand of storytelling that made it what it is.

I give this movie a blazing four skulls. Steve says check it out. If you haven’t seen it already, get out from under that damn rock already. 

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Teen Wolf (1985)

The Wolf Man (1941), Werewolf of Washington (1973), An American Werewolf In London (1981), The Howling (1981), Wolfen (1981… man a lot of werewolf movies came out in 1981), Silver Bullet (1985, look this one up it’s wild.), Underworld (2003), werewolf movies all focus on the tragedy and inner conflict that come with lycanthropy. 

But let's talk about the funny werewolf movie where Werewolf Marty McFly plays basketball.

1985’s Teen Wolf is a comedy that plays on the werewolf genre. It doesn’t strictly follow any of the rules werewolf movies arbitrarily play by. It plays fast and loose with the concept. Like how once Scott Howard wolfs out for the first time he can just… wolf. Yeah he can just be a wolf in broad daylight and the full moon doesn’t even fuckin matter. The only werewolf logic it follows is werewolves exist.

The plot follows teenage Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) living with his dad Harold (James Hampton). Scott wants nothing but to be popular and win the big basketball game, star in the school play, and just be a generic popular kid in 80s films. During a basketball game Scott loses control of himself and wolfs out. He races home to find his dad is a wolf as well, and that his family are werewolves. And no one is terrified. No mobs, no wolf hunts, no hunter-esq character to hunt these creatures. He’s treated like a celebrity and his life does start looking up. He’s captain of the basketball team, he gets the lead in the school play, and even lands the girl of his dreams. He’s accompanied by his friends Stiles (Jerry Levine) and Boof (Susan Ursitti). Stiles coaxes Scott into doing wacky shenanigans, like buying alcohol without an ID, how scandalous!, because his best-friend is a werewolf. However, Scott learns that popularity isn’t all it's cracked up to be and that his life before wolfing was pretty solid. Big sappy happy ending.

The film stars Michael J. Fox, then the star on the 80s sitcom Family Ties, but before Back to the Future would go and define not only his career, but him as an actor. This was actually being filmed around when Back to the Future was being filmed. Fox has a quip about it. 

“Down the street Steven Spielburg is filming a new movie, and here I am playing a werewolf.”

It’s a solid enough 80s comedy. Michael J. Fox does a good job playing a wisecracker who suddenly becomes famous. The wolf effects are pretty standard, tons of hair, not trying to reinvent the wheel. My criticism for the movie is that it feels a bit rushed. Once Scott becomes a wolf, it feels like they rushed it to get the big game at the end. Not a huge criticism, but still. Also Mark Holton is in this movie. You know? The guy who stole Pee-Wee’s bike and ate the Leprechaun’s gold coin. His character’s name is Chubby. Just wanted to point that out.

The film has more of a cult legacy, it came out after Back to the Future so it didn’t reach the heights it was expecting. There was a sequel in 1987 starring Jason Bateman that’s… practically the same movie but in college. And a 2011 tv series that reimagined the show as a teen drama. Because of course. Of course some tv executive schmuck reimagined fucking Teen Wolf as a supernatural teen drama.

All in all, solid 80s comedy. Don’t go into it expecting high class storytelling when the concept is werewolves playing basketball.

I give it three skulls out of four. Recommend if you like movies coated in 80s cheese.

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